James:
I began smoking pot in the third or fourth grade. I liked it and as time went on I tried other drugs like acid, and cocaine when I was 15 years old. I had begun drinking already and I liked that, too. I would lie about where I was going and go to parties. As I got older, I quit smoking pot and other drugs. All I would do is drink beer at first and then I tried liquor and liked it better. I really got out of control for awhile. |
Traci:
God is many things to many people. For me, He was just there somewhere in the background until one afternoon when He unexpectedly became someone very real to me.
I didn’t used to be a sinner. Sin was only what was punishable by law and I didn’t break the law anymore. That’s what I thought when I began my walk and I quickly learned that I did, in fact, sin every day. |
I met this lady named Pam and we dated for three months, then we got a place together. We lived together for about eight months. Once we went out to eat and I got stopped for a DUI. I went to jail for the night. It cost me my license and $1500.00 Time went on and we split up. I tried to quit drinking again, but it didn’t work. Things got real bad and I didn’t care anymore. My sister had me put in rehab for 30 days and it did not work.
I started using cocaine again for about a ten year stretch. I eventually got sick of it but kept on drinking. By this time, I had six or more seizures from drinking. My father got sick and passed away and my drinking got real bad. I was drinking a quart to a half gallon a day. This went on for awhile and I tried to get help again.
Then my mother got sick with cancer of the brain. This was very hard for me. I took care of her for about nine months before she passed away. I really hurt this time and I tried to drink myself to death, smoked crack, and did not eat. I did not even care. I prayed and got straight and moved up here.
I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law. I got mixed up with the wrong people again and before I knew it, I was back in the same boat. So I gave up my job and care and a place to live. I came to the New Life Recovery program.
My family and boss and all of my friends are very proud of me. I know this is not all that you are asking for, but here is one thing I can say. I could not have come this far by myself. You and the people in the mission have taught me how to live and love, care, pray and enjoy life again. I never felt like this before. I thank God for everything that I have going for my life. I know that I’m not alone.
THANK YOU JESUS. I LOVE YOU.
| It wasn’t a big deal though; because there was absolutely no way that my inconsequential deeds could dent the Almighty God. Therefore, it didn’t matter that I sinned. It also didn’t matter that Jesus died on the cross for me because none of my sins were pertinent, nor did forgiveness matter if my sins were harmless to God. He loves me anyway, I’m saved anyway, and He can’t be hurt my little old Traci, right?
My callousness regarding Jesus’ death was deeply perturbing to me. How could I not care about the torture and abandonment that Jesus endured for my sake? Some 2,000 years ago, a guy is severely pain-wracked, intensely degraded, and utterly abandoned before He experienced death and met with Satan himself, only for me to think that my actions didn’t need to be forgiven. On the day that this man died, my life flashed before His eyes and to me it was of no merit; useless to my irrelevant evil.
Before I really even knew what I was doing, I began to ask God to make me aware of the impact of my wickedness. He answered very quickly. One afternoon in a class, three words were spoken that triggered a memory so horrifying to me that I could hardly stand to be in my own skin.
In my younger adult years, I had landed employment at a car wash, and I spotted career potential on the management team. One man in particular, had promised me a spot in his department, which was a step up from where I was. He was flattering toward my work ethic, painting a forthright picture of a reliable, hard-working, self-disciplined employee.
This man I’d been working under was much older and married, yet seemed to have different motives for wanting me in his shop. One afternoon he was showing me the inside of his camper that he was selling; his motives became apparent. I couldn’t turn him down though, and he did promise advancement in my employment and I was indebted to him.
I’m sure that the Holy Spirit tried to intervene that night and I questioned the possibility of pregnancy. I allowed myself to commit the unspeakable when the words “I’ll kill it” rang through my head. The solution seemed so simple - abortion. It remained in the back of my mind as a way out.
The memory paralyzed me. Once again I hated waking up and I was disgusted with myself allover again. My skin crawled at the mere thought of being stuck with me, and I almost panicked at the reality of no escape. At least until the day I die, I would live in a hell that was my own flesh and I couldn’t stand it.
All of this was released from me one afternoon during an unexpected encounter with a staff member. The pent up emotions brimmed over the edge of my resolve and before I could stop them, they erupted out of my now shattered will. My crying was ceaseless and my words were almost incoherent. I sobbed with such fury that my shoulders ached; then I began to pray.
Pleas of sorrow and regret gushed from me, please that were tightly locked behind a wall of pride that grew even thicker. How those weak feelings could break through me with such force was a miracle in itself.
I cried until fatigue set in. My whole body was numb and simply breathing took more effort than breathing should. At that point I felt I had nothing left to protect and was able to voice with understanding that God is with me not because of who I am, but because I need Him. I expressed to God remorse over my sin and realized then that I was able to thank Him because in spite of my horrible capabilities, He never allowed me a child to hurt.
He let me understand His love as He ripped my sin from me. Giving myself permission to murder the unborn child I might have had was in fact something I had done and I was capable of so much more. On that unexpected afternoon, forgiveness meant that I was not created to hurt anybody, but to be someone of eternal use. His love remained unfathomable, but it was real.
When my mind was settled enough to hear His whisper, God spoke to me. He said “I made you a mother, and your children are beautiful.”
That day, Jesus became real and God’s mercies became necessary. He is my Savior. Jesus suffered torture and saved me from myself and others from me; for that alone, I am eternally grateful.
|
